His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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