So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
