I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I currently don't understand fingers.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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