Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
