What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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