im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
