Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
