I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
