i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
