if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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