Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
