We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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