I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
