my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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