Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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