So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
