Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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