By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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