I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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