how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
