Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
