i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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