I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she smelled like a LAN party
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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