hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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