I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
