you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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