WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
