I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think I sprained my soul last night
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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