Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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