New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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