my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
