dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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