Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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