I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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