the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
