shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
