Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
