I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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