My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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