that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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