chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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