apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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