Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
