apparently the secret to your success is patron
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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