I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
