Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
