She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
