i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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