I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
