Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
